


Mark Watney's Twitter Adventures

by purnell (domestichesters)



Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: social media format, twitter format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-06-05 11:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6702124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domestichesters/pseuds/purnell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>NASA gives Mark permission to return to social media. Hijinks ensue.</p><p>Post-rescue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. mark does a q&a

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark does a q&a.

Ares III @ARESIII  
Hello!  
-Mark Watney

 

* * *

 

jared @pfftreak  
@ARESIII mark you're back!!!

Ares III @ARESIII  
@pfftreak I am! Anyone up for a Q&A?

 

* * *

 

penn @pennytacle  
okay but i love how mark's first post is just "hello!" like i just find it really amusing. so casual. does he know i cried over him once a week

  
Leo H @GarryLeoH  
I SWESR MARKS TRYING TO GIVE ME A FCUKING HEART ATTACK. JUST SHOWING UP ON MY TL. NO WARNING

  
DSD @fcrallheknew  
mark coming online like  
[ATTACHMENTS: GIF of a puppy waving its paw, excitedly]

  
b @veryoksy  
mom: put your phone down  
me: my son's doing a q&a  
mom: you don't have a son  
me: i do. his name is mark watney and he really hates disco music

  
ken doll @gretchenIewis  
mark's such a sweetheart. he didn't just say "hello" he said "hello!" and that exclamation point means a lot to me

 

* * *

 

louis @DGoldInternational  
@ARESIII mark why arent you doing this on your personal

Ares III @ARESIII  
@DGoldInternational I forgot my password. Don't expose me

 

* * *

 

Genevieve @GennyWrites  
@ARESIII OMG MARK HI HOW ARE YOU  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@GennyWrites I'M GOOD I APPRECIATE THE ENTHUSIASM  
 

* * *

  
   
hoor @harrietts  
@ARESIII mARK  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@harrietts hOOR (Is that really your name? If so that's a cool ass name)  
   
hoor @harrietts  
@ARESIII l m a o no it's harry @gcrdoned misspelled something in our group chat and i made it my display name to mess w her bc shes an ass  
   
i hate harry @gcrdoned  
@ARESIII @harrietts don't drag me in front of mark watney. sorry mark harry's a jerk  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@harriets @gcrdoned Don't fight, kids

 

* * *

  
   
jomny sun @jonnysun  
@ARESIII i'm glad you're coming home mark! are you happy you don't have to listen to disco anymore  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@jonnysun Am I happy? Am I happy?! I'm ecstatic! Lewis is sitting here next to me scoffing but I'm just telling it like it is. Disco SUCKS  
 

* * *

  
   
jo @jonahlippen  
@AresIII why not do a video?

Ares III @ARESIII  
@jonahlippen You'd throw up looking at me, that's why

jo @jonahlippen  
@ARESIII aw okay well maybe you'll do a video sometime later?

Ares III @ARESIII  
@jonahlippen Yes! As soon as I don't look like I've died and come back to life I'll definitely do a video  
 

* * *

  
   
MARK IS OKAY @DentriVore  
@ARESIII Mark!! For the Q&A how is the crew? What were some of the first things they said to you when they rescued you?  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@DentriVore I like your display name! I'll answer your question in a second, hang on. Fucking character limit. Here are some of the more memorable things they said:  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@Dentrivore Martinez: You smell like shit  
Lewis: Sorry about the music  
Beck said stuff to me during the rescue but afterwards he said: Shower. Now.  
 

* * *

 

  
Lin-Manuel Miranda @Lin_Manuel  
@ARESIII Mark Watney's back! We've missed you. How're you feeling?  
  
Ares III @ARESIII  
@Lin_Manuel A little faint since you tweeted me. Lin-Manuel Miranda just tweeted me. Fuck

 

* * *

  
  
Gina Karlton @MotherKarlton  
@ARESIII wanna hear a joke Mark? what do you call a potato that smokes weed?  
  
Ares III @ARESIII  
@MotherKarlton The answer to that question is almost always yes. And oh God... I don't know... what do you call it?  
  
Gina Karlton @MotherKarlton  
@ARESIII a baked potato  
  
Ares III @ARESIII  
@MotherKarlton Shit

 

* * *

  
  
jackie @yoodaloo  
@ARESIII how do u feel about the fans u gathered here on Earth? the whole world knows who u are and u have so many supporters that's gotta be weird  
  
Ares III @ARESIII  
@yoodalooo It is weird, yeah. I don't know. I guess I don't exactly feel worthy of all this praise. I did what anyone else would do: I tried to survive.  
  
jackie @yoodaloo  
@ARESIII yeah but u succeeded. and u haven't lost ur sense of humor. people look up to u  
  
Ares III @ARESIII  
@yoodaloo I still feel unworthy, but I guess I get what you're saying. Yeah. So, thank you all for your support. I'm sorry you blew so much money on me

 

* * *

 

quince @willyw  
@ARESIII scariest moment on mars?  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@willyw By far being on the Convertible Spaceship Hybrid From Hell  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@willyw @ARESIII NEVERMIND NASA'S MAD I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO MENTION THE SPACESHIP. THERE WAS NO SPACESHIP  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@willyw @ARESIII ABORT ABORT  
 

* * *

  
   
b @veryoksy  
half of my tl is mark and the other half is people yelling about mark this is a-okay with me  
   
ginger @hmbrh  
so,, mark doesn't think he's worthy of our support i'm not crying you're crying  
   
Stef @RefStef  
Okay but hear me out here:  
Mark Watney. Was on an alien space ship

charlie @hamleyt  
mark what the fUCK are you doing the conspiracy theorists are going mad

April @AHDanton  
I bet you guys a thousand dollars Mark did that on purpose. He's trying to get the conspiracies circulating that nerd  
 

* * *

  
   
charlie @hamleyt  
@ARESIII mark what was your favorite thing to do on mars  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@hamleyt masturbate  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@hamleyt @ARESIII That was Martinez!! I swear, I stepped away from the computer for two fucking seconds

charlie @hamleyt  
@ARESIII you're not saying he's wrong though

Ares III @ARESIII  
@hamleyt ....  
 

* * *

 

quince @willyw  
@ARESIII omg mark is nasa okay with you cursing like this

Ares III @ARESIII  
@willyw Haha no. They're pretty fucking pissed.

quince @willyw  
@ARESIII you keep answering me i'm EMOTIONAL also they should know by now that they can't trust you not to

Ares III @ARESIII  
@willyw They should, I agree! I don't know what they expected honestly

 

* * *

   
phoebe !!! @freebees  
@ARESIII mark your #1 fan (my lil bro) says hi. he's wearing your face on his pajamas right now  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@freebees Tell him I said hello! I can't believe I'm on pajamas now. What else am I on?  
   
phoebe !!! @freebees  
@ARESIII omg you responded and you're on phone cases, lunchboxes, tshirts, jackets, magnets, that kinda stuff. theyre using your face to sell potatoes too  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@freebees They're using my face to sell potatoes. Huh. That's.... huh. I'm not sure how to feel about that  
 

* * *

  
   
GG @GGVander  
@ARESIII Did you ever lose hope?  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@GGVander Yeah. But that kind of stuff doesn't matter. You know why? Because I'm not on Mars anymore! (I'm pretty happy about not being on Mars anymore)  
 

* * *

  
   
ned @nednednedned  
@ARESIII Mark!! I have a super duper important question!! Are you a dog person or a cat person?  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@nednednedned Listen... I love dogs but I'm a cat person through and through  
   
ned @nednednedned  
@ARESIII Oh my God mark I can't believe you're a cat person! I trusted you!! This is war  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@nednednedned Fight me Ned

 

* * *

  
   
Beatrice Warren @BeaWarren  
@ARESIII help what should I eat for dinner? My options are spaghetti, lasagna, chicken and rice or meatloaf  
   
Ares III @ARESIII  
@BeaWarren MY LASAGA (if you don't know what that's from don't talk to me)  
 

* * *

 

FIGHT ME NED @jeswug  
MARK "FIGHT ME NED" WATNEY THAT'S SO ICONIC SOMEONE MAKE A SHIRT

mpa @harrybuchannon  
he's so funny i'm losing my shit

jordan @jordanbster  
i have two essays due tomorrow and a final exam friday and i'm sitting on my phone going through mark watney's q&a. i'm not even sorry

 

* * *

 

Sharon @bertbotts  
@ARESIII STOP THIS MADNESS MARK IM TRYING TO DO HW AND I HAVE YOU ON NOTIFICATIONS AND YOU KEEP DISTRACTING ME

Ares III @ARESIII  
@bertbotts WELL WHO TOLD YOU TO PUT ME ON NOTIFICATIONS SHARON

 

* * *

 

Ares III @ARESIII  
My mentions are overflowing! Holy shit, you guys. I might not get around to answering all of these, but I'll try.

Ares III @ARESIII  
@ARESIII Also I've gotten messages from like twenty different celebrities and can I just say I'm about to pass out

 

* * *

 

fortner @jesmil  
@ARESIII describe each of your crew members using only one word

Ares III @ARESIII  
@jesmil Johanssen: Nerd  
Lewis: Bad-ass  
Martinez: Who?  
Beck: Tender (he knows what I'm talking about)  
Vogel: Supervillian

 

* * *

 

Pat @PatriciA  
@ARESIII Hey! I hope you're doing okay. My aspiring astronaut 7-year old daughter loves you and she has a very important question: what's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Ares III @ARESIII  
@PatriciaA Greetings! I appreciate the love and I wish her the best of luck in becoming an astronaut! My favorite ice cream flavor would have to be mint chocolate chip.

 

* * *

 

jocelyn @hjoclyn  
@ARESIII mark were you ever really on mars or was this some sort of government conspiracy?? i'm onto you bro

Ares III @ARESIII  
@hjoclyn You got me. I was never on Mars. This whole thing was a sham. Sorry guys! We just wanted your money!

jocelyn @hjoclyn  
@ARESIII MARK i was joking i didn't think you'd actually respond. fuck. sorry

Ares III @ARESIII  
@hjoclyn Don't worry about it! I was joking too (or was I?)

[SOME TIME LATER] 

Ares III @ARESIII  
OKAY GUYS they're mad at me now so for the record I was, in fact, on Mars. This was not a conspiracy. Apparently the geniuses at NASA don't understand sarcasm

 

* * *

 

gpreg @jvstleaves  
@ARESIII you should go through the #BringHimHome tag!

Ares III @ARESIII  
@jvstleaves I just did and I got about twenty tweets in before I started crying. Wow. That was seriously emotional. Thank you all

 

* * *

 

Monica @MonDeTigre  
@MarkWatney Alguna historias divertidas?

Ares III @ARESIII  
@MonDeTigre Yo sé un poco español, pero no sé lo suficiente como para contar una historia. Lo siento

 

* * *

 

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@ARESIII who is your favorite out of the crew

Ares III @ARESIII  
@RickMartinezAresIII Fuck off

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@ARESIII that's no way to talk to your friend

Ares III @ARESIII  
@RickMartinezAresIII Who are you? I don't even know a Martinez

 

* * *

 

lw @haroldtj  
@ARESIII mark be nicer to martinez

Ares III @ARESIII  
@haroldtj Who?? I don't know a Martinez (I'm kidding) (he knows I'm kidding) (he's sitting right next to me as I type this)

lw @haroldtj  
@ARESIII oh wow okay tell him i said hello

Ares III @ARESIII  
@haroldtj I did. He said, and I quote, "Hello. Why are you tweeting Watney? He sucks" so you can see the kind of treatment I get around here

 

* * *

 

gg @fykcitup  
@ARESIII mark how's the crew. are they all with you rn

Ares III @ARESIII  
@fyckitup Martinez is right here, being an ass. Vogel's still asleep. Lewis is reading in the break room. Johanssen and Beck are still in bed *wink wink*

 

* * *

 

happy bday percy @theodcsias  
@ARESIII What's been going on on the hermes since your rescue?

Ares III @ARESIII  
@theodcsias Lots of pain medication. Lots of sleep. When I'm not sleeping I'm hanging out with the crew. We watch movies and play board games

happy bday percy @theodcsias  
@ARESIII Don't they have work to do? Also, how are you physically? What kind of treatments are you on? (sorry that's a weird question haha I'm a doctor and I'm curious)

Ares III @ARESIII  
@theodcsias Yes, but they're never all busy at once. And I've got broken ribs and some other stuff (which I won't disclose). I'll be doing lots of PT when I get home. I'm also on a pretty strict diet plan

 

* * *

 

Ares III @ARESIII  
An actual conversation that just happened:  
Martinez: Stop fucking cursing  
Me: I fucking won't stop fucking cursing  
Martinez: You little fucking shit

 

* * *

 

Ares III @ARESIII  
Alright guys! It's been fun talking to you but I've gotta go get some shut eye. Thanks for your time!! Sleep well stay hydrated  
 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enoyed! :)


	2. mark remembers his password

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark remembers the password to his personal. 
> 
> a very random chapter. some crew interactions

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
I remembered my password!

malia @malcrane  
@MarkWatney cool what was it

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@malcrane I'm so tired I actually typed it out and I was about five seconds away from posting it before I realized what I was doing

malia @malcrane  
@MarkWatney omg sorry i didn't think you'd even see my tweet. that would've been bad

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@malcrane It's fine! It's my fault for not getting any damn sleep.

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
#ConversationsOverheardOnHermes  
Vogel: This is a very round bagel  
Beck: It's just like the others  
Vogel: This one is... rounder

 

* * *

 

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
I have a confession to make: I hate disco music

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MelissaLewis I'm glad you've come around, Lewis!! I always knew you were smart

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
@MarkWatney Stop hacking my account, Mark

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MelissaLewis Hacking? What hacking?

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
@MarkWatney You're an idiot

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MelissaLewis You left your laptop open and sitting out in the break room. You were already logged in. I hacked nothing

 

* * *

 

vien @vviens  
@MarkWatney mark my mom got me a puppy what should i name it  
[ATTACHMENTS: Pictures of puppy]

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@vviens That may be one of the cutest puppies I've ever seen. Holy fuck. As far as naming it goes, I think that should be up to you. It's your dog! (If you really want my opinion, I like Rover, because, well. You get it)

 

* * *

 

keagan @keaganstraus  
@MarkWatney ppl are talking about making a movie out of what happened to you and im wondering what you think of that ?? also who should play you?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@keaganstraus Really? Huh. That's interesting. And when I was younger I always thought Matt Damon would be perfect, but he's getting old now, so I don't know

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
A bunch of you are tweeting me questions and I'm sorry guys but I can't do a Q&A right now! I've got an appointment with Dr. Beck

 

* * *

  

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
I'm back! If you have questions for me I'll try to answer some throughout the day

 

* * *

 

PWR @porlainform  
@MarkWatney How big is the time gap between us?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney @porlainform Good question! The gap here's around 10-12 minutes, so you're getting my tweets about 10-12 minutes after I post them, and I'm getting yours at the same rate.

 

* * *

 

elfie @ecsquare  
@MarkWatney wanna play truth or dare?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@ecsquare Sure

elfie @ecsquare  
@MarkWatney awesome! so truth or dare?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@ecsquare I'm almost nervous to say this but... dare

elfie @ecsquare  
@MarkWatney I dare you to go like surprise hug one of your crew mates

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@ecsquare That's not so bad. Give me a minute

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@ecsquare @MarkWatney I did it! We're all together right now in the break room but I saw Johanssen first so I hugged her and then everyone else joined in. It was nice until they wouldn't let me go

 

* * *

 

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
#ConversationsOverheardOnHermes  
Lewis: Come on. There's no way you didn't like at least one song.  
Mark: I didn't.  
Lewis: Oh, please.  
Mark: ... Okay, one or two songs might've grown on me.

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck That was a private conversation!

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney The people deserve to know the truth

 

* * *

 

Gretchen @GretchenGreene  
@BethJohanssen what's your favorite watney story?

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@GretchenGreene Ha well there are so many but one of my favorites was the time we stayed up all night playing chess because he kept losing (no one had ever beaten me) and when he finally won he literally woke everyone up just to tell them he was the chess champion and that they should all worship him

 

* * *

 

cam @downtownss  
@MarkWatney omg your icon please explain

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@downtownss It's a dancing potato. Someone tweeted it at me and I thought it was funny

 

* * *

 

lillian @sksock  
@MarkWatney why are you on so much? not that there's a problem with it i'm just wondering if you've got stuff to do

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@sksock I don't! That's the thing. I'm not allowed in the lab yet, so I can't do any real botany work. I can't do much of anything with my ribs the way they are, and the crew is in and out because they actually do have work to do, so I don't have much else to do but come on here.

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Martinez is wearing a blanket around his neck like a cape and I'm sort of scared to ask why

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MarkWatney Me: Martinez why are you wearing a cape?  
Martinez: Why aren't you wearing a cape?  
Me: Touché  
So anyway now we're both wearing capes

 

* * *

  

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
I just had ice cream for the first time in almost two years! It was very good. 10/10 would recommend

 

* * *

 

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney is the best

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @RickMartinezAresIII MARK STOP POSTING ON OUR ACCOUNTS I'm tempted to tell your loyal fans the blueberry pie story

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII YOU WOULDN'T 

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney I WOULD 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII If you tell them the blueberry pie story I'll tell them about the shoelaces

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney ... Fine. I won't tell them.

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
wlurhgsmajhsmgwhmdag henogelqy geg wgnv/  
vevec

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MarkWatney Shit. I fell asleep on the keyboard

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
You guys keep asking me the same questions! Here are the answers: I'm fine. The crew is fine. I'm currently doing absolutely nothing. My favorite color is green. I don't have a favorite book/movie. Yes, I am excited about going home.

 

* * *

 

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney Just told me Tiana's his favorite Disney Princess so. The more you know

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck And then you told me your favorite's Rapunzel, which I can't believe

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney What's wrong with Rapunzel?? Also Mark I'm literally sitting right next to you, you didn't have to tweet me back

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck Nothing, I guess, I just can't believe you prefer her to Tiana! Have you seen The Princess and the Frog?

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney I'm sorry, Rapunzel's just better.

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck I can't believe this. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at you the same way again

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
@MarkWatney @AstronautChrisBeck You're both wrong. Moana's the best Disney princess

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MelissaLewis @AstronautChrisBeck Shit, I forgot about Moana. Yeah, now that I think about it, she's the best. I think that's something we can all agree on.

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney @MelissaLewis Moana was pretty cool but I still think Rapunzel's the best

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck @MelissaLewis BECK

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Goodnight! I'm exhausted after a long day of doing almost nothing. Sleep well, guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was lots of fun to write! next chapter mark's gonna be pretty high on pain meds.
> 
> this one's short, sorry! i haven't had a lot of time to write. i also don't know if they have bagels in space so?? but we're suspending reality a bit here. sorry if the characterization is off! i'll go back and edit a bit later. but i'm excited for this next chapter- it will include rdj as a few of you suggested as well as lin-manuel miranda :)


	3. mark takes too much pain medication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark takes too much pain medication and gets a little high. 
> 
> sort of a short chapter, sort of a weird one.

  
Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
i may be a liytle high right now

 

* * *

 

yulami @yulami  
@MarkWatney omG mark how

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@yulami i messed up my ribs and beck gave me lots of pain meds hah

 

* * *

 

billy @haroldtheyrc  
@MarkWatney why are you online then?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@haroldtheyrc im bored martinez was supposed to watch me but he fell a sleep

 

* * *

 

Christopher @chrissysmith  
@MarkWatney yo high mark do you miss mars at all?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@chrissysmith no i dont miss mars because it was bad but i hope the potatoes i left behind r okay. my potatoes

 

* * *

 

Gina @GinaDFortner  
@MarkWatney Is it really safe for you to be high up in space by yourself? Wheres beck?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@GinaDFortner im fine god mOm ! and beck thought i was aslep so he went to bed

Gina @GinaDFortner  
@MarkWatney Did Mark Watney just call me mom

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
hahah i farmed in my own shit that s weird

 

* * *

 

Julianne @JulieFleth  
@MarkWatney Mark are you high?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@JulieFleth I most certainly am not high I dont even know what high means. What does high mean Julianne

Julianne @JulieFleth  
@MarkWatney How much effort did it take to type that

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@JulieFleth so much,, my head hurts

 

* * *

  

Bcky @Ifyoutry_  
@MarkWatney we all heard your communication with the hermes during your rescue and im still laughing at "id get to fly around like iron man" omg are you a marvel fan

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@Ifyoutry_ YES I LOVFE MARVEL SUPERHEROES ARE COOL IRON MAN IS COO L

Robert Downey Jr @RobertDownJr  
@MarkWatney @Ifyoutry_ Iron Man is pretty cool

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RobertDowneyJr IS THIS RESL LIFE HEY IRON MAN

Robert Downey Jr @RobertDowneyJr  
@MarkWatney Hey, Mark. I liked that "fly around like Iron Man" comment, too

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RobertDowneyJr IM GLAD I HOPR I MADE YOU PROUD SIR

Robert Downey Jr @RobertDowneyJr  
@MarkWatney Haha, you did

 

* * *

 

pyre @pflo  
@MarkWatney talk space to me

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@pflo it is big

 

* * *

 

ken @kenaofo  
@MarkWatney if you could fight one of your crewmates who would you fight

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@kenaofo martinez definitely because lewis would kick my ass and vogel and johanssen are too loveable i cpuld never fight them and id hurt beck if i fought him and i dont wanna hurt him. also martinez is a jerk and he tell s bad jokes

 

* * *

 

space enthusiast @reiap  
@MarkWatney mark did you ever realize how much your suit resembled bb-8 from starwars

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@reiap HOLY SHIT YOURE RIGHT I WAS BB8

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MarkWatney @reiap I JUST TRIED TO ROLL ND I FELL OFF THE BED AND ALMOST WOKE MARTINEZ UP

 

* * *

 

Lin-Manuel Miranda @Lin_Manuel  
MARK WATNEY IS HIGH AS A F*CKING KITE RIGHT NOW

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@Lin_Manuel HOW DID YOU KNOW

Lin-Manuel Miranda @Lin_Manuel  
@MarkWatney MARK IT'S OBVIOUS. NOT TO MENTION YOU'VE SAID "I'M HIGH" AT LEAST FOUR TIMES

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@Lin_Manuel OH

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
these pills are more trippy than they should be i mightve taken too many

Derrick @DDgop  
@MarkWatney Okay I'm guessing Beck knows the right dosage to give you so what did you do

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@DDgop beck came and he said "here are some pills and here are some extras. do NOT take the extras until tomorrow or if you wake up in pain" and i mightve taken one or two extras. maybe three. there s a possibilty i mightve taken four

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
shhh guys im gonna tell you a secret when johanssen was little she really loved the backyardigans and she still sings the themes ong sometimes

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@MarkWatney MARK 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@BethJohanssen what r yuo doing up

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@MarkWatney Just catching up on some work. Clearly I'm being very productive 

 

* * *

 

xen @xepthi  
@MarkWatney tell us a story

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@xepthi once ther e was a humble potato farmer and he ate sso many potatoes that he now hates potatoes. that humble potato farmer is me i am the humbl e potato farmer

 

* * *

 

martha @marthapenninger  
@MarkWatney hi!! how old are you exactly?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@marthapenninger hi marthaa there s this thing i love its called googlee

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MarkWatney @marthapenninger that was mean i m sorry

 

* * *

 

logan @LoganHetcher  
@MarkWatney would you be willing to talk more about your mars experience, like the science of it? i'm really into interplanetary stuff and i know lots of other people are too and would love to hear about mars from someone who spent so long on it

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@LoganHetcher of course !! i will definitly discuss ol Big Red with you just not right now because im pretty higghh 

 

* * *

 

Sammy @Maybevvellmeetintheend  
@MarkWatney my life motto is WWMWD (what would Mark Watney do?)

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@Maybevvellmeetintheend i appreciate the sentiment but unless u r alone on a far away planet i would not "do what mark watney would do" because mark watney d probably blow something up and u dont want that

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
remember when i rolled off the bed like bb8 yeah i think i messd up my ribs again so that s great

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
martinez just woke up and read my twwets and now he s making fun of me i dont deserve this

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
martinez is making me go to sleep because he s LAME so ill be back in the morning gnight

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Just woke up. Had about twelve emails from a very frustrated NASA. About seven hundred tweets from you guys. Beck yelled at me. I scrolled back through my tweets and oh my God, I was HIGH

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MarkWatney Also, Lin-Manuel and Robert Downey Jr both tweeted me, while I was high, and I talked to them, while I was high. I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed or proud

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so bad but i promised a high mark chapter so here you have it. i just really wanted to write high mark. i also have no idea how rdj tweets so ??? if i'm way off tell me i'm clueless 
> 
> next chapter should be fun! any suggestions/comments are welcome!


	4. the crew crams onto watney's bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark's not having a very good morning so everyone comes in and joins him on his bed. they play games.
> 
> i really just wanted to write some fluff so there you have it

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Hey. So I'm exhausted 

 

* * *

 

prol @uidfu  
@MarkWatney why don't you go to sleep then???

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@uidfu Don't you think I'd be asleep right now if it were that easy???

 

* * *

 

br @hundleceoo  
@MarkWatney Are you okay? You seem like you're not in a good mood

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@hundleceoo I'm fine. I didn't get any sleep last night because I fucked up my ribs, again, so. I'm in a bit of a pissy mood.

 

* * *

 

reb @rjaofoapc  
@MarkWatney you feeling okay? what's going on that's got you upset

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@rjaofapc No! I'm not! I've been trying to stay positive for you guys but right now everything sucks and I feel like I'm dying!

 

* * *

 

jold @ksogos  
@MarkWatney get off of twitter then if you're feeling pissy

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@ksogos I'm alone, it's the middle of the night, I haven't gotten any sleep in over a day, I've got two broken ribs and I just spent a year and a half on Mars all by myself. I'm sorry I'm on here right now trying to distract myself. My bad!

 

* * *

 

hhgref @isthatrealtlife  
@MarkWatney hey i heard you needed distraction. tell me about ur favorite tv show

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@isthatrealtlife Thank you. Right now it's probably Parks and Rec. I've been watching it with Johanssen and we've only got one episode left. I might cry

hhgref @isthatrealtlife  
@MarkWatney oh my god i love parks! who's your favorite character?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@isthatrealtlife Either April or Donna. But it changes.

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Sorry I disappeared for a bit. Johanssen saw my tweets (I don't think she ever sleeps) and she came in to keep me company. She even brought me some pain meds. God, I love that nerd

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MarkWatney Oh yeah, we watched the Parks finale! We both cried. And then Martinez woke up and joined us and now we're playing card games. Needless to say, I feel a lot better.

 

* * *

 

gillian @gialgo  
@MarkWatney ur hot bro. 10/10 would bang

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@gialgo Hey, what a weird coincidence! @RickMartinezAresIII just said the same exact thing to me

* * *

 

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
Guys I really love @MarkWatney and @RickMartinezAresIII

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@BethJohanssen @RickMartinezAresIII We maybe kinda sorta love you too

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @BethJohanssen Speak for yourself, Mark. I'm still mad at her for choosing all of your Apples to Apples cards over mine when she was the judge

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII @BethJohanssen Oh, don't be so bitter! She can't resist my naturally superior sense of humor. Just because I'm her favorite doesn't mean you shouldn't love her!

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@BethJohanssen @MarkWatney Back the fuck up, you aren't her favorite. I'm charming, good-looking, funny and endearing and you're just... nice I guess. Beth tell him I'm your favorite (don't be too hard on him, though. Let him down easy)

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@RickMartinezAresIII @MarkWatney I take it back. I hate both of you

 

* * *

  

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@BethJohanssen may seem nice, but don't be fooled. She's downright scary when it comes to card games

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@RickMartinezAresIII I play to win!

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Sorry for disappearing, again. Beck came in about an hour ago to join us, and then Vogel and Lewis. We're all crammed onto my bed playing games

 

* * *

 

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
I just kicked Watney's ass at Old Maid and now he won't talk to me  
[ATTACHMENT: Image of Watney pouting, arms crossed]

 

* * *

 

penny @pensogo  
@AstronautChrisBeck sounds like yall are having fun lol. what are you doing now

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@pensogo Watney and Martinez are still playing Old Maid. Lewis is watching them because they keep accusing each other of cheating. Vogel, Beth and I are playing war. And yes lol we're having fun

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
We decided to play Monopoly and it's Ares themed, because NASA, so the pieces are Mars, the Hermes, a rover, the hab, and the Ares logo, and I swear to God, I went to the bathroom and when I came back these assholes had stuck me with the Mars piece. They think they're funny

 

* * *

  

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
I caught Mark stealing money from the bank so we bent the rules and put him in jail  
[ATTACHMENTS: Image of Mark's Mars piece sitting on the Jail square. In the background you can see Watney looking very dejected. Beside him Martinez looks like he's having the time of his life]

 

* * *

 

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
Update: We're playing Life. Mark is married and he has eight kids and no money because he blew it all on his dream beach house. Beck got fired. I keep rolling ones. Vogel's a janitor. Martinez isn't playing because we didn't have enough cars. Lewis is doing better than all of us, inevitably.

 

* * *

 

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
I just let Watney eat pasta in bed and now he's crying

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck I haven't eaten pasta in a long time okay

 

* * *

 

 

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
I don't know how we ended up like this  
[ATTACHMENTS: Image of the crew on Watney's bed. Watney is stretched out across all of them, head in Beck's lap, feet in Vogel's. Martinez is braiding Lewis's hair and Johanssen's taking the picture from a weird position which implies she's lying on her stomach with her legs on Lewis's lap]

 

* * *

 

 

pek @osogiso  
@MarkWatney isn't it getting late? don't you guys have work to do or breakfast to eat or something

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@osogiso Yeah, it's nearing noon. But Vogel just brought us some snacks so we're eating in here. And we're allowed to take days off, you know.

 

* * *

 

lily @ifisleep  
@BethJohanssen can we get a video??

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@ifisleep Yep!  
[ATTACHMENTS: Video. Johanssen's lying in the same position as before. She says, "I'm taking a video, guys."

Behind her, Mark's head pops up from Beck's lap. There's a chorus of greetings. Martinez leans into the frame and points out Lewis's braid. "See that braid? I did that. Look at that masterpiece."

Vogel and Watney resume the argument they were clearly having before the camera started rolling. Watney says, "Vogel, please. They're killing me."

Vogel says, "For the last time, I am not massaging your feet, Mark."

Beck is dealing cards. He gives the camera a look and says, "Is this for twitter?" Johanssen nods.

Watney sits up a little higher and looks at the camera. "Guys, shouldn't Vogel massage my feet? I'm not that gross. I bathe."

Vogel sighs. "I am not going to massage your feet!"

Lewis throws a card down, rolls her eyes and says to the camera, "These are the kinds of arguments I have to deal with on a daily basis."

Martinez, off camera, says, "I'll massage your feet, Mark."

Watney doesn't look up from his hand of cards. "Fuck you, Martinez. You know how I feel about your obnoxiously long fingernails."

Beck agrees, "They are pretty long."

Martinez sighs. "I just haven't gotten around to cutting them!"

Johanssen's laughing. Lewis turns to Martinez and says, "Meaning you lost your nail clippers."

Martinez's head is just barely visible on the side of screen, but you can see him nod. "That, too."

Johanssen moves the camera, says, "Alright, guys, say bye!" Everyone says bye. The video cuts off.]

 

* * *

  

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
For everyone asking: Vogel does not have a twitter. He says hi, though! If you have any questions for him you can tweet me or Chris or Johanssen or Lewis or Rick (if you're that desperate) and we'll tell you what he says.

 

* * *

 

yolanda @yolpurnel  
@MarkWatney is everyone still on your bed?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@yolpurnel Sorta. Johanssen's on the floor

yolanda @yolpurnel  
@MarkWatney why??

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@yolpurnel Martinez

yolanda @yolpurnel  
@MarkWatney that explains it

 

* * *

 

jazz @jolszew  
@MarkWatney do you guys just have your laptops out or??

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Haha, yeah. But they're pretty small laptops and if you fold the keyboard back, they're basically smartphones 

 

* * *

  

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
Watney fell asleep. I can't move, but it's okay. He's cute when he's sleeping

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@AstronautChrisBeck I don't think anyone can argue with you there

 

* * *

 

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
I'm going through Mark's photo album while he's asleep and the only pictures he's got saved are weird memes and pictures of cats

 

* * *

 

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
[ATTACHMENTS: Video. Beck's holding the camera. The image slowly comes into focus, and Beck's got a finger over his lips. Johanssen and Martinez are in the background, smiling, and Lewis is off to the side laughing quietly at Watney, his head still in Beck's lap. He's singing Turn the Beat Around in his sleep. Martinez starts to crack up and Johanssen elbows him to make him quiet down but then she starts laughing too. They get louder and Beck joins in and then they all start singing with Watney. Watney wakes up fast and his eyes are wide. "What the... fuck?" he looks around and they're all cracking up and he sees the camera and sighs. "God. Are you posting this?"

Beck nods. "I sure am."

"Fuck," Watney closes his eyes, exasperated, but he's smiling slightly. Vogel shows up in the frame with a laptop and he's wearing a smirk. He hits a key and Turn the Beat Around starts playing from the computer. Watney curls into a ball, groaning. Everyone else sings.

The video cuts off.]

 

* * *

 

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
We pulled up a movie and ten minutes in Mark paused it and looked at me and said, very loudly, "I JUST REALIZED YOUR INITIALS ARE BJ"

 

* * *

 

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
When Mark leaves to go to the bathroom and you're happy because he was getting annoying [EMOJI: Sunglasses]

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII The sunglass emoji only wears sunglasses to hide his tears

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney What is a sunglass

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII It's the singular of sunglasses

 

* * *

 

 

nat @nataliasterger  
@MarkWatney i may be kinda sorta in love with your whole crew

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@nataliasterger I read this tweet out loud and  
Beck: We love you too  
Martinez: Of course you are, we're adorable  
Johanssen: Why  
Vogel: That is weird  
Lewis: Does it seriously say 'your' crew? Are you in charge now? God help us 

* * *

 

liam @lismahal  
@AstronautChrisBeck have u and watney ever kissed

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@lismahal Weird question. Only in his dreams.

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck @lismahal That's true.

 

* * *

 

 

Phylo @PhyloSource  
@MarkWatney Okay but if you could've had one of your crew mates on Mars with you who would it have been

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@PhyloSource Definitely 100% Martinez. He's my favorite and he's so funny and nice and resourceful and I just love him so so much

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MarkWatney @PhyloSource Okay, that was Martinez. I swear I can't leave the room for five minutes without him doing something stupid.

 

* * *

 

 

poe @peomorgan  
@AstronautChrisBeck anyone ever tell you you look like bucky barnes

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@peomorgan Yes oh my God, everywhere I go. These guys like to call me Bucky just to mess with me

 

* * *

 

 

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
Amazing knock-knock joke courtesy of Mark Watney  
Watney: Knock-knock  
Me: Who's there?  
Watney: Wait, what? Who's where?  
Yeah, he's pretty tired

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
We're all going offline for a bit! We're gonna hang out some more, get some dinner, make sure we haven't gotten any urgent emails from NASA and then call it a day. I'll be back tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so much fun to write like i love the ares crew a lot so it was great, writing this. anyway thanks for reading!! comment any suggestions/thoughts below :)


	5. nasa releases mark's logs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nasa releases mark's logs. this chapter basically shows the excitement leading up to their release, and some of what comes after with some bonus crew interactions.

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
So... there's a surprise in store

 

* * *

 

tin(a)y @nincompooprogers  
@MarkWatney this sounds vaguely ominous

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@nincompooprogers Good. I'm keeping you guys on the edge of your seats

 

* * *

 

raini @Did-She-Lie  
@MarkWatney okay you've intrigued me what's this surprise

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@Did-She-Lie Guess you'll have to stay tuned to find out [EMOJI: Winking]

 

* * *

 

nancy @nancewheels  
@MarkWatney can we guess?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@nancewheels Have at it

nancy @nancewheels  
@MarkWatney are you livestreaming?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@nancewheels Nah

nancy @nancewheels  
@MarkWatney is there a video involved?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@nancewheels Possibly

nova @scoshka  
@MarkWatney @nancewheels I've got it. You're pregnant

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@schoshka @nancewheels Wow. Okay. Here's your award for Best Tweet I've Gotten Ever

danielle @dannydelgato  
@MarkWatney @schoshka @nancewheels did you find aliens on Mars? is that what this is?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@dannydelgato @schoshka @nancewheels Yep! They're blue and fuzzy and they smell like peppermints

 

* * *

 

Q.D @elcventimes  
@MarkWatney no one's asking the important question which is when? when is the surprise happening

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@elcventimes That's up to the higher ups. All I know is it's planned for sometime today. Keep tabs on NASA's twitter and they'll post a link

 

* * *

 

bringhimhome @iamsiriusdontcallme-shirley  
@MarkWatney mark hey from one ten to another i think you should tell me about the surprise

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@iamsiriusdontcallme-shirley Ah, the problem is I'm actually an eleven

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
I'd like to point you to the following twitters: @MindPark @V-Kapoor @AnnieMontroseNASA @NASA and @JPL. Please send these guys your thanks!

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney                                         @MarkWatney Make sure to mention Rich Purnell and Bruce Ng, who don't have twitters but deserve some serious love for everything they've done.

 

* * *

 

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
Yo, guys, just because I'm the fun one doesn't mean I'm spilling. Stop asking me about the surprise. And for that matter, stop asking Beck, Johanssen and Lewis. We've got work to do, unlike Watney, who gets to sit in bed and look pretty all day.

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII Aw. You think I'm pretty.

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney At best you're aesthetically pleasing

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII [EMOJI: Heart Eyes]

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Just heard from NASA! One hour left.

 

* * *

 

warren @wbgordon  
@MarkWatney if you don't tell me the surprise right now i'll bite off my entire arm

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@wbgordon I'm no people doctor but I wouldn't recommend that. @AstronautChrisBeck, thoughts?

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @wbgordon Don't listen to Watney. Go for it. Bite off that motherfucking arm

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII How'd you even find this tweet man I didn't @ you or anything

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney @RickMartinezAresIII @wbgordon Do NOT bite off your arm. Very bad idea. Martinez is the last person you want to take bodily advice from

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@AstronautChrisBeck @MarkWatney @wbgordon Bodily Advice sounds like the name of a band I'd hate. Also I'm great with bodily advice just ask Watney

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII @AstronautChrisBeck @wbgordon  
I threw up and you told me the best way to deal with it was to stick my entire head in the toilet

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @AstronautChrisBeck @wbgordon And did you try it?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII @AstronautChrisBeck @wbgordon No Martinez I didn't stick my entire head in the toilet

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @AstronautChrisBeck @wbgordon Then how do you know it doesn't work?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII @AstronautChrisBeck @wbgordon You've got a point

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Ten minutes!

 

* * *

 

NASA @NASA  
Surprise! View Watney's logs from his time on Mars here: [LINKS: A page on NASA's website titled "The Watney Logs" with the logs broken up into four sections of video]

 

* * *

 

o(oops)rion @likesanaresastronaut  
MARK'S LOGS ARE OUT WHAT THE FUCK

FERn @goosyin  
sHIT nasa released mark's logs

Janice @JanPortwald  
Two seconds into the first log and I'm already crying it's going to be a long night

 

* * *

 

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
[EMOJI: Nervous]

 

* * *

 

[EMOJI: Sparkles] @jessicafayble  
@MarkWatney i'm where u start planting potatoes and these are so interesting to watch ur so smart and watching these makes me realize how dumb i am ahh if i were in ur shoes i'd have died after like two minutes

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@jessicafayble Maybe, but I wouldn't say I survived because of my smarts or anything. I survived because of the tools my teachers have given me and the things I've picked up due to circumstance. Don't measure your IQ based on whether or not you would've figured things out the way I did. That's not a fair test. (1/2)

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@jessicafayble Sorry to go all preacher on you, but this is important. I'm a scientist. I've spent YEARS dedicating myself to applied sciences and YEARS training to be an astronaut. Just because you haven't had the experience I've had in these fields doesn't make you "dumb." There are so many ways to be smart. Question: what are you thinking of pursuing/pursuing as a carreer interest?

[EMOJI: Sparkles] @jessicafayble  
@MarkWatney oh my god ily um i'm really into art/art history. i really want to like teach an art history class someday or smth

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@jessicafayble That's awesome! See, I know nothing about art. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. If you had me teach an art class or told me to draw something realistic, I'd have no idea what to do. That doesn't make me dumb. That just means I know nothing about art. Same goes for you and the sciences. So please don't think you're dumb watching my logs because that's the last thing in the world I'd want you to take from them

[EMOJI: Sparkles] @jessicafayble  
@MarkWatney thank u sm mark ur the Best

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
Okay, I have nearly 9k tweets to answer and I just don't want to, nothing against you guys but. So instead have this video, where I answered the questions that caught my eye/came up most often. Didn't exactly turn out as planned.  
[LINK: YouTube video. Mark waves at the camera and in the background Beck and Johanssen can be seen talking. "Greetings, Earthlings!" Mark says. "Here I am in Beck's room. I just had a little checkup to make sure my ribs are healing right and I'm not gonna turn into the Hunchback of Notre Dame."

"That wouldn't happen!" Beck's voice reaches the camera, exasperated, from where he stands across the room.

"Oh pipe down. You're just upset I'm not giving you and Johanssen any alone time."

Johanssen flushes and Mark smirks. Beck shakes his head. "I'm just saying you're wrong."

"I never said I was right. Anyway, um, I'm gonna answer some questions. First we have: 'What were you thinking during that first log?' from someone named... Booby? I really hope that's not your real name. Well, Booby, I was thinking I'd die. Slowly and painfully. I didn't really see any way out, you know?"

Mark scrolls on a laptop by his criss-crossed legs and squints at the screen. "'Favorite log?' Really? I've gotten this one so many times and I just don't... get it. Okay, it's an interesting question, but I only remember, like, five of them. Uh... this one says, 'You look ugly' so thanks for that. I know I do. Oh, and this one's, 'You're a cutie.' What's the truth?"

"The cutie one!" Johanssen says, plopping down next to him. She waves at the camera. Beck works organizing his drawers.

"Thanks, Tiny," Mark says. He beams at her before facing the screen again. "Next question's from Jonathan, 'How did you keep from crying?' My secret, Jonathan, is that I did cry. I cried a lot. The one thing I didn't do is cry on camera."

Johanssen peers over his shoulder at the computer screen. "Does that say...." she points and Mark nods.

"Yeah."

She shudders. "Gross."

Mark nods and scrolls for a few silent seconds, then shouts, "Yo, Beck, here's one for you buddy! 'How has the weight loss affected you?' But it's addressed to me, obviously, so how has the weight loss affected me?"

Beck doesn't look up from what he's doing. "Badly."

"You heard it here, folks. The weight loss has affected me badly. Give it up for our brilliant space surgeon."

Beck turns around, trying not to grin and wiping at his hands with a rag. "He'll be fine," he elaborates for the viewers. "He may walk a little funny or have some muscle problems, but after some PT he'll be okay."

Johanssen pumps a fist in the air.

"'Favorite moment on Mars?' I had two. Three, actually. When my first potato plant sprouted, when I got Pathfinder up and running, and when I heard Lewis's voice over the comms before the rescue," Mark says, smiling wistfully. "Next-"

"Holy shit. Holy shit, Watney, look." Johanssen clicks on something and Watney's eyes widen.

"Fuck. Fuck."

"What is it?" Beck asks, walking over.

"The president tweeted him," Johanssen explains. "Said Watney represents the human spirit and watching his logs has been 'enlightening'."

Watney taps a button on his comm and says, "Martinez. Martinez, you copy?"

"I'm here. What do you need?" Martinez's voice comes through, slightly staticky.

"I've been publicly endorsed by the president. Think about that next time you call me lame."

"The president doesn't even run that account. His staff does."

"Well, the president's staff-members think I'm pretty cool, so."

"Watney, the battery on the camera's running low." Johanssen says. She gets off the bed and yawns, walking back over to Beck.

"Oh, dammit. Okay. I'll answer a few more. I'm good, the... crew's good, this wasn't a conspiracy, there aren't aliens on Mars... I'm not an alien, either, no I will not be listening to disco ever again, yes I will do a video at some point to discuss the science of everything but not right now, my brain's mush. Um, I do like parmesan cheese? Someone asked me that and I'm not quite sure why. I'm from Chicago. And... one more... okay, I'm most excited for Earth food. Space food's okay, Mars food sucks, but Earth food... holy fuck. That's all for today, before the camera dies." Mark picks the camera up and says, "Signing off, Mark Watney." The video clicks off.]

 

* * *

 

sofi @aapsu  
@MarkWatney why'd you say they wanted alone time tho [EMOJI: Side eyes]

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@aapsu I'm so glad you asked, but unfortunately I'm not allowed to discuss it. Why don't you ask them? @AstronautChrisBeck @BethJohanssen

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney @aapsu He's just an asshole who likes to joke around

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck @aapsu Oh is that what we're going with?

sofi @aapsu  
@MarkWatney @AstronautChrisBeck what is going on ????¿?

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
G'night. Some advice:  
1\. Don't listen to Martinez  
2\. If you watch my logs don't think you're "dumb" bc you're not  
3\. Also please just ignore the dancing don't mention it to me I know it's there but I don't wanna hear about it

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was really fun to write, and i hope you enjoyed!


	6. mark likes frosted flakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark had an alien friend named stewart, beck can cook, some teenagers add mark to a group chat, etc. etc. (basically a giant mess)

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
When he texts you good morning [EMOJI: Heart Eyes] [IMAGE: A screenshot of a message from Watney. "Get the fuck up asshole I can't figure out where Beck hid the Frosted Flakes"]

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII Thanks Martinez thanks a lot now I'll never find the Frosted Flakes

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney @RickMartinezAresIII You've been snitched

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@AstronautChrisBeck @MarkWatney Snaught

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII @AstronautChrisBeck Jokes on you losers. Just confiscated the last of the ice cream sandwiches.

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @AstronautChrisBeck Beck this has gone too far tell him where the damn Frosted Flakes are

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@RickMartinezAresIII @MarkWatney The thing is I kinda sorta can't remember where I hid the Frosted Flakes. But they're not even that good! Just come to the kitchen and bring the sandwiches and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AstronautChrisBeck @RickMartinezAresIII [IMAGE: Watney holding an ice cream sandwich to his open mouth]

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @AstronautChrisBeck WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@MarkWatney @RickMartinezAresIII Watney this isn't funny I'll tell Commander on you

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@AstronautChrisBeck @RickMartinezAresIII @MarkWatney Dudes... I've got the Frosted Flakes. Beck hid them in my room.

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@BethJohanssen Beth Johanssen, you are a saint!!! Meet you in the kitchen?

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@MarkWatney Well. See, there aren't any left. I ate the whole box. So, um. Sorry?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@BethJohanssen SCREAM

 

 

* * *

 

 

watch parallel 51 @gaymarcos  
we added mark watney to the gayniverse chat i'm literally gonna piss myself [IMAGE: Screenshot of a groupchat. Two accounts are exchanging bad jokes. Then Mark says, in three separate tweets, "Never trust an atom", "They make everything up", "Wait who even are you people"]

watch parallel 51 @gaymarcos  
@gaymarcos HE DIDNT LEAVE THO HES JUST STAYING IN THE CHAT

 

gillian loves isla @ISLASBROTHER  
wes: i'm so lazy  
watney: Nice to meet you So Lazy, I'm Mark

 

ell @willferdsinand  
watney just called us all his lil friends in the gayniverse chat

ell @willferdsinand  
@willferdsinand that escalated !!!!! [IMAGE: A screenshot of a groupchat. Mark says, "Hey lil friends". The responses are, "AW" "Hey big friend" "hey dad" "Q DONT CALL HIM DAD" "he's a dad tho" "he's our dad" "dad who's your favorite child" "why are you all like this". Mark replies, "A good parent doesn't pick favorites"]

 

q-bird @eatmyputty  
LOUIS JUST TWEETED IM SO LONELY INTO THE CHAT ASPFOVKFB WATNEY DID THE SIDE EYE EMOJIS

derrick deserved better @islamarcomorge  
@eatmyputty IT WAS AN ACCIDENT IM SO SORRY

sahna @nonbinarycarmen  
remember when we all thought watney was dead?? now i'm in a groupchat with him and he's teaching us about plants what a world

derrick deserved better @islamarcomorge  
[IMAGE: A screenshot of a groupchat. The first message is from @nonbinarycarmen and it reads, "where you at watney? you sneaking off to a second family?" The next message is from Mark, it's an image of the crew. Then, from @willferdsinand, "WHAT A DORK"]

 

ell @willferdsinand  
GILLIAN ASKED WHY HE DIDNT FOLLOW ALL OF US AND HE SAID HELL CHECK OUT OUR TWITTERS YIKE

gillian loves isla @NOVYLIDEA  
@willferdsinand i regret everything

q-bird @eatmyputty  
he liked my spot the difference tweet. the one that was a picture of him and a picture of a potato. i hate gillian

gillian loves isla @NOVYLIDEA  
@eatmyputty gillian is sorry

 

gillian loves isla @NOVYLIDEA  
ell and sahna started spilling some hq tea and watney was like "Shit I'm so glad I'm not in high school"

sahna @nonbinarycarmen  
why is this man so relatable [IMAGE: A screenshot of a groupchat. Four messages from Mark: "High school is hell", "Like", "Honestly getting stuck on Mars wasn't too bad because it got me out of going to a fucking high school reunion"]

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
I'm bored

watch parallel 51 @gaymarcos  
@MarkWatney what's up my man

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@gaymarcos Nothing that's why I'm bored. Keep up 

 

* * *

 

 

ClickHole @ClickHole  
Mark Watney said what?!  
[IMAGE: An incorrect quote from Mark Watney, a picture of him to the left. "There's nothing quite like meeting your first alien. You're sitting in the Hab when you hear a knocking at the door, and you look around, but you're on a deserted planet, so that doesn't make any sense, right? You open the door and there's a martian standing right in front of you with eight legs and a beak, and he comes inside and lies down in your bed. You name him Stewart and feed him scraps off the table. Eventually you learn his language and he calls you ugly. You love him anyway and always pat his head when he does something good. These are the little memories I'm always going to cherish from my time on Mars."]

RoLf @hhheyitslrolf  
@MarkWatney is this true

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@hhheyitslrolf I didn't know it was true until just now

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@MarkWatney Do you miss Stewart bud

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@BethJohanssen Every day. Stewart was the closest thing to a best friend I've ever had

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@MarkWatney *side eyes* @RickMartinezAresIII

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@BethJohanssen @MarkWatney I can't believe this betrayal

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@RickMartinezAresIII [EMOJI: Kissy face]

 

* * *

 

  
Juno @JDizzpop  
@MarkWatney Fill in the blank: I love _______

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@JDizzpop Plants

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@MarkWatney Dude you spelled my name wrong

 

 

> Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
>  @BethJohanssen You know I love you too kiddo

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney cough plantfucker69 cough

 

 

> Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
>  @RickMartinezAresIII See plants would never treat me like this

 

* * *

 

Ares III @ARESIII  
What a view! [IMAGE: A picture taken through a window of the stars. The silhouette of a head in the corner]

mer @merylbarrels  
@ARESIII whose head is that in the bottom left?

Ares III @ARESIII  
@merylbarrels Ur mom's lmao

mer @merylbarrels  
@ARESIII omf

 

* * *

 

Annie M. @AnnieMontroseNASA  
We do not by any means condone "your mom" jokes here at NASA. We are working to delete the tweet as quickly as possible and we apologize for anyone who might have taken offense.

 

* * *

 

Henry Sutter @HenryJ-Sutter  
Every time I see Mark Watney's face I want to scream

Henry Sutter @HenryJ-Sutter  
Just found out Mark Watney is a liberal. So not only is he a huge waste of money, he's a huge waste of money with no morals

Henry Sutter @HenryJ-Sutter  
Watney's tweeting again. Gah.

Henry Sutter @HenryJ-Sutter  
Why did you even hire this asshole, @NASA? All he seems to do is curse and make a fool of himself

NASA @NASA  
@HenryJ-Sutter Mark Watney is one of the most diligent people we here at NASA have ever had the pleasure of working with. He impressed us immediately with his intellect and charisma, and quickly became a top contender in our candidate program.

NASA @NASA  
@NASA @HenryJ-Sutter He's kind, optimistic, personable, and flexible. He enriches the lives of each and every one of us. We have no regrets about hiring him and we don't expect to have any in the future.

NASA @NASA  
@NASA @HenryJ-Sutter We're sorry to hear you have such a low opinion of him, but he isn't a bad person and we would appreciate it if you would refrain from tweeting us any further negative comments. Thank you!

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@NASA @HenryJ-Sutter Oooh got em

* * *

Mindy! @MindPark  
i'm at a family reunion and gah i forgot how much i love my little ponys

Mindy! @MindPark  
@MindPark shit i meant tonys. i have two cousins named tony

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MindPark is a brony pass it on

Mindy! @MindPark  
@RickMartinezAresIII i,,, shut up

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MindPark I physically cannot I'm sorry

 

* * *

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MindPark Hey hey hey

Mindy! @MindPark  
@MarkWatney hello

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MindPark Hey

Mindy! @MindPark  
@MarkWatney hi?

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MindPark Yes hi

Mindy! @MindPark  
@MarkWatney mark what 

 

* * *

 

A. Vogel @AVogel3  
Is this thing on

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AVogel3 Please welcome the dadliest dad to ever dad, our very own Alex Vogel, to twitter everybody

 

* * *

 

V @Kflopff  
@BethJohanssen what are some things we wouldn't know about each of your crewmates?

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@Kflopff Watney can dance. Like, freakishly well.

 

 

> Mark Watney @Mark Watney  
>  @BethJohanssen @Kflopff Hell yeah I can dance. These hips don't lie

Beth Johanssen @Beth Johanssen  
@BethJohanssen @kflopff Martinez has three dogs, twenty fish, two cats, two turtles, a parakeet, and a snake. Bonus fact: He knows all of Mean Girls by heart.

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@BethJohanssen @Klfopff Beck is a fantastic cook. Dude makes a mean creme brûlée.

 

 

> Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
>  @BethJohanssen @Kflopff No no no no no no no stick to the stuff you knoowww if you wanna be cool stick with one simple rule don't mess with the flow no no
> 
> Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
>  @MarkWatney @BethJohanssen Asshole. You beat me to it.
> 
> Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
>  @RickMartinezAresIII @BethJohanssen Maybe someone should think about putting Jo on notifications,,,,

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@BethJohanssen @Kflopff Lewis wanted to be an actress when she was a kid and acted as an extra in an impossibly long list of TV shows and movies.

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@BethJohanssen @Klopff And finally *drum roll* Alex Vogel! Vogel knows five languages: German, Polish, English, Spanish, and French. He's also killer at Space Ball.

V @Kflopff  
@BethJohanssen Thanks so much! Space Ball?

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@BethJohanssen @Klopff Just a little game we made up in zero G. That I'm by far the best at

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
@BethJohanssen @Klopff My four championship wins beg to differ.

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MelissaLewis @BethJohanssen As resident Traumatized and Sick Guy can I just say the fact that I have even one win is more than enough to make me the best. Sorry I don't make the rules

A. Vogel @AVogel3

@MarkWatney @MelissaLewis @BethJohanssen If I may... I have won fourteen times

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@AVogel3 @MelissaLewis @BethJohanssen You're German. You should be discounted from the running on that fact alone

 

* * *

 

 

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
Movie night! [IMAGE: The crew on the floor under bundles of blankets. The TV screen is on in front of them]

garrett @garretthiedler  
@MelissaLewis what are y'all watching?

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
@garretthiedler Home Alone 3

garrett @garretthiedler  
@MelissaLewis oh my god... why

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
@garretthiedler Because it's good!

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MelissaLewis @garretthiedler *Because Commander Lewis has a shitty taste in all forms of entertainment

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
@MarkWatney If I left movie night up to you we'd be watching The Incredibles 2 for the fourth time this month

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MelissaLewis That's a good movie I don't understand why you're attacking me

A. Vogel @AVogel3  
@MarkWatney @MelissaLewis Both are bad movies. Americans do not understand what quality entertainment is like

Mark Watney @MarkWatndy  
@AVogel3 @MelissaLewis *scoffs* Americans don't understand quality entertainment??? Have you forgotten Bill Nye the Science Guy because I most certainly haven't

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@MarkWatney @AVogel3 @MelissaLewis Fun fact: Martinez has been silent this entire time but I guess he's been reading our tweets because he just burst out singing the Bill Nye theme song and I can't stop laughing please send help

 

* * *

 

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
Literally no one cares but I get to see my pup in four months I miss my lil fluffball [IMAGE: Dog on its back with its tongue hanging out]

mindy! @MindPark  
@BethJohanssen i care!!! what's the lil guy's name

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@MindPark Mindy you're so incredibly rad. His name is Spock

mindy! @MindPark  
@BethJohanssen spock oh my god that's perfect. also you're so incredibly radder

Melissa Lewis @MelissaLewis  
@MindPark @BethJohanssen This is nice. Thanks for everything you do for us, Mindy

mindy! @MindPark  
@MelissaLewis @BethJohanssen no problem, commander :)

 

* * *

 

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
Never thought I would have to say this but stop sending Watney pictures of your meals. You're torturing the poor guy

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@AstronautChrisBeck Also, what's with asking him if he IS Mars? None of us know what that means. 

amy @amesjamesanes  
@AstronautChrisBeck so he /isn't/ mars??????? is that what you're saying????

yondu @gayjacquesdapper  
@amesjamesanes @AstronautChrisBeck omg ames. beck it's just an internet thing, somebody wrote an essay for kicks abt it and everyone kind of ran with it

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@gayjacquesdapper @amesjamesanes That makes... some sense, I guess. You guys are weird as hell

amy @amesjamesanes  
@AstronautChrisBeck @gayjacquesdapper is,,, mark watney,,, mars

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@amesjamesanes Okay, so I have to explicitly state this to get you guys to stop asking. No, Watney isn't Mars. He's a person. Not a planet. Can this be over now?

Beth Johanssen @BethJohanssen  
@AstronautChrisBeck @amesjamesanes Beck's lying. Watney's definitely Mars.

 

 

> amy @amesjamesanes  
>  @BethJohanssen @AstronautChrisBeck I KNEW IT

Chris Beck @AstronautChrisBeck  
@BethJohanssen Beth. Why would you

 

* * *

 

Venk @V-Kapoor  
The crew sends us updates every afternoon, and it's quite entertaining. You can always figure out who wrote the email. [IMAGE: Cropped picture. "Sincerely, Ares III" then "P.S. Please remember to have one of your doctors contact Beck. He's been really gassy lately and we're worried about him."]

jacques @brokenjiffyparks  
@V-Kapoor Martinez? Maybe?

Venk @V-Kapoor  
@brokenjiffyparks I'm thinking Watney...

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@V-Kapoor @brokenjiffyparks Nope. That has @RickMartinezAresIII written all over it.

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @V-Kapoor Oh, yeah! That was me. Woops.

Venk @V-Kapoor  
@RickMartinezAresIII @MarkWatney Sorry, it's hard to tell. You're both equally immature :)

Mark Watney @MarkWatney  
@V-Kapoor @RickMartinezIII Ha he called you immature

Rick Martinez @RickMartinezAresIII  
@MarkWatney @V-Kapoor He said both, dumbass [EMOJI: Eye roll]

 

* * *

 

 

Mark Watney @MarkWatney   
In the wise words of the late (not so) great Dee Reynolds, "Later, boners." For the little tikes who follow me, "Good night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for this chapter. i've been working on it casually for a while so it's pretty choppy and not completely finished yet, but i'm deciding to go ahead and publish it because i'm afraid if i don't it won't get published for another year. 
> 
> i promise i will edit it and change things as time goes on. 
> 
> i have seen your requests in past chapters and i promise i WILL include them in any revisions/new chapters i make. i'm excited to incorporate them. if you have any more, feel free to use the comments below.
> 
> many of the ideas from this chapter came from requests. the group chat section and the movie night idea were all inspired by other friends/fic writers and readers. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed! let me know how you would feel about another high mark chapter or a johanbeck-centric chapter

**Author's Note:**

> hey! so if you have any specific request like of celebrities you'd like to see tweeting mark or questions you'd like to see mark answer please comment them below and i'll put them into future chapters! also if you want me to include you/your twitter handle i can do that :)


End file.
